My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
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… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”