I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
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If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
I pray every night that I never become religious…
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.