Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
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her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
dads on road-trips be like
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.