Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
You Might Also Like
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago