#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
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My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy