Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
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I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.