News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
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my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
sir, my pâté if you please
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….