If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
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drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
#DesignFail
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂