Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
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A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
oh my god
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.