If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
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Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
I have a black belt in leather
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*