Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
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i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Best spoiler warning ever
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week