Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
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I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶