[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
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(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
#SaturdayBears
Love it! 👍😂