Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
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Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]