No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
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Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
WHO DID THIS?
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”