When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
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I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.