Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
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The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
I believe the plural is “milves.”
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.