Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
You Might Also Like
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.