I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
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If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Can’t. About to go please some beans
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.