My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
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What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
found my next D&D character name
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.