him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
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If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Spell check is for lasers.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME