Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
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Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Admin smashed it 😂
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…