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”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
wtf is an acronym
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Beware…..
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”