Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
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take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Smooooooth
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone