Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
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Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Body by cheese-puffs.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.