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“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
This might be the funniest tweet ever
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.