“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
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[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Holy shit he’s back
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!