If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
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I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
what day is it?
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.