9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
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Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet