Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
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You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?