Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
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Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Did…did a minotaur write this
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.