Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
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me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
So glad we cleared that up
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.