When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
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*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.