excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
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getting groceries
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Mistakes were made
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise