If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
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“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
I have two kinds of followers
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
“I FIXED IT!”
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.