*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
You Might Also Like
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
This line from Airplane.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*