skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
You Might Also Like
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause