My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
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(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Lol
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
i actually laughed 😩
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone