when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
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I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Happens to everyone.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”