CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
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If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Finished stitching this today 😇
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
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If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”