Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
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[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
True freaking story!
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
They got a point!
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it