Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
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Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U