Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
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[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
i meant to share this earlier
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
And that about sums it up.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.