Best misinterpreted text ever!
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Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Catering service
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call: