I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
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Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.