Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
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if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
blocked.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Me: I’ll be home a little late today.
Son: Why?
Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.
Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Every time.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
My inexpensive home security system…
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good