Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
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“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare