I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
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it must be school picture day
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.