When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
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CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.