Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
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me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Happy Febuary everyone!
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.